Out of whack
Get ready, this is going to be a long one. And I don’t have any pictures.
I have so many thoughts going through my head right now, I’m not even sure where to begin. I also titled this post about 10 different things before I just had to pick one.
Basically, I’m way off track right now. Yes, I have been sick this week but I feel like I have used that as an excuse to sabotage myself. I had a really good week prior to this one, including when we traveled to North Carolina. I felt good about my choices then. I feel awful right now.
But I don’t believe in guilt trips or beating myself up because that just gets you nowhere. Instead, I am taking this opportunity to write about how I am feeling right now and to use that to make changes so that I can learn more about myself and what makes me (or doesn’t make me) feel my best.
Let me just break a few things down for you. This week: I ate an entire box of Oatmeal Squares cereal (in three days), an entire loaf of French bread in two days (minus one piece that I threw away this morning), stuffed myself with tortilla chips until I felt sick. I also drank an entire 12 pack of diet ginger ale in two days “because I’m sick.” The list goes on.
I’ve also quit blogging, photographing, and journaling. I’ve let everything go. I have lost my sense of control. While I don’t know that my “problems” are as serious as that of an addict, I feel like I’ve relapsed.
Sure, everyone has their moments when they indulge and let loose a little bit. For me, this is usually limited to one meal or one day a week. But it has turned into much more than that. Everything in moderation, right? I don’t know if moderation exists for me. At least not in the long term sense.
It made me think of a post that Heather, one of my favorite bloggers, wrote a while back, aptly titled I Don’t Do Moderation. I’ve said this before, but I feel like I can really relate to her because we’ve both been through major weight loss and have some of the same food issues.
In this post, she said: “Everything in moderation doesn’t work for me. I wish it did, but it doesn’t.” I feel like I have come to the realization that the same is true for me.
I’ve not exercised since Wednesday. I definitely feel like rest during an illness is important, even if it is hard for me to do. But I have gone from resting for my health to being totally lazy. Honestly, this is not about fear of gaining weight. I know how to lose weight. This is about not feeling good.
I went to a women’s conference at my friend’s church yesterday and the guest speaker was talking about how we use “things” to fuel us (food, drugs, behaviors, etc.) instead of turning to God for help. And while these things work temporarily, they burn out fast and leave us empty.
I feel like I have been using food in that sense. This week, I’ve been using food to make me feel better from being sick and to make me feel better about not being able to exercise (which is questionable itself). While it may have provided some temporary relief, it has now burned out and I’m not better.
I feel like absolute crap today. Not just because I have a cold/cough or whatever. Because I’ve let myself slip so far. But this is also a good thing. I’ve been woken up by it, I’ve noticed. And I’m going to snap myself out of it. I’ve been given a wake up call and it’s time to answer it.
I’ll be back later to talk about some changes I want to make and how I feel that these changes are what’s best for me right now. I’m still going to be vegan though, just so we’re clear. Being vegan has been such a blessing to me and I need to lean on that now more than ever.
I’m also going to make some other things more of a priority, like quiet time/prayer, yoga, and maybe even some accountability outside of the blog. It’s obvious to me now that there are some things in my life I’m not dealing with very well, which is why I feel the need to eat when I don’t need to and to eat too much of things I don’t need to be eating too much of.
Thank you if you’ve read this far. I’m thankful for this blog and being able to share the realness of what I’m going through. Just because I’ve lost a lot of weight and made some really positive changes doesn’t mean I’m immune to setbacks or problems with food. It’s a daily challenge and every choice I make is still very important.