Out of whack

Get ready, this is going to be a long one. And I don’t have any pictures.

I have so many thoughts going through my head right now, I’m not even sure where to begin. I also titled this post about 10 different things before I just had to pick one.

Basically, I’m way off track right now. Yes, I have been sick this week but I feel like I have used that as an excuse to sabotage myself. I had a really good week prior to this one, including when we traveled to North Carolina. I felt good about my choices then. I feel awful right now.

But I don’t believe in guilt trips or beating myself up because that just gets you nowhere. Instead, I am taking this opportunity to write about how I am feeling right now and to use that to make changes so that I can learn more about myself and what makes me (or doesn’t make me) feel my best.

Let me just break a few things down for you. This week: I ate an entire box of Oatmeal Squares cereal (in three days), an entire loaf of French bread in two days (minus one piece that I threw away this morning), stuffed myself with tortilla chips until I felt sick. I also drank an entire 12 pack of diet ginger ale in two days “because I’m sick.” The list goes on.

I’ve also quit blogging, photographing, and journaling. I’ve let everything go. I have lost my sense of control. While I don’t know that my “problems” are as serious as that of an addict, I feel like I’ve relapsed.

Sure, everyone has their moments when they indulge and let loose a little bit. For me, this is usually limited to one meal or one day a week. But it has turned into much more than that. Everything in moderation, right? I don’t know if moderation exists for me. At least not in the long term sense.

It made me think of a post that Heather, one of my favorite bloggers, wrote a while back, aptly titled I Don’t Do Moderation. I’ve said this before, but I feel like I can really relate to her because we’ve both been through major weight loss and have some of the same food issues.

In this post, she said: “Everything in moderation doesn’t work for me. I wish it did, but it doesn’t.” I feel like I have come to the realization that the same is true for me.

I’ve not exercised since Wednesday. I definitely feel like rest during an illness is important, even if it is hard for me to do. But I have gone from resting for my health to being totally lazy. Honestly, this is not about fear of gaining weight. I know how to lose weight. This is about not feeling good.

I went to a women’s conference at my friend’s church yesterday and the guest speaker was talking about how we use “things” to fuel us (food, drugs, behaviors, etc.) instead of turning to God for help. And while these things work temporarily, they burn out fast and leave us empty.

I feel like I have been using food in that sense. This week, I’ve been using food to make me feel better from being sick and to make me feel better about not being able to exercise (which is questionable itself). While it may have provided some temporary relief, it has now burned out and I’m not better.

I feel like absolute crap today.  Not just because I have a cold/cough or whatever. Because I’ve let myself slip so far. But this is also a good thing. I’ve been woken up by it, I’ve noticed. And I’m going to snap myself out of it. I’ve been given a wake up call and it’s time to answer it.

I’ll be back later to talk about some changes I want to make and how I feel that these changes are what’s best for me right now. I’m still going to be vegan though, just so we’re clear. Being vegan has been such a blessing to me and I need to lean on that now more than ever.

I’m also going to make some other things more of a priority, like quiet time/prayer, yoga, and maybe even some accountability outside of the blog. It’s obvious to me now that there are some things in my life I’m not dealing with very well, which is why I feel the need to eat when I don’t need to and to eat too much of things I don’t need to be eating too much of.

Thank you if you’ve read this far. I’m thankful for this blog and being able to share the realness of what I’m going through. Just because I’ve lost a lot of weight and made some really positive changes doesn’t mean I’m immune to setbacks or problems with food. It’s a daily challenge and every choice I make is still very important.

About Sarah Frankel

I am 29 years old and a resident of Louisville, Kentucky. I've been married to my husband Josh for 6 years and we have a 5 year old beagle named Suzie. Four years ago, I changed my eating and exercise habits, dropping 70 pounds and gaining an entirely new life. I took up running in September 2007 and became vegan in October 2009. I am constantly striving to improve my life so that I can live it to the fullest! I hope you will join me on my life journey.

Posted on March 28, 2010, in challenges, setbacks. Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.

  1. I totally get it. I really do. I know so many people preach moderation, but it simply does not work for me with certain foods. It doesn’t, and I’ve learned my lessons. We all slip up and have setbacks – just know you’re not alone Sarah.

    Hope you feel better soon – you will, and I’m always just an email away. Never forget that. :)

  2. Hi Sarah, thank you for being so brave and putting how you feel on your blog. I can relate to how you’re feeling. I have times when I just go haywire and splurge for extended periods. And it sounds like you’ve gone into meltdown mode but you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, which is what i’m like too. Food is such a big thing for us women and masks so many real issues- such as your sense of self-worth and guilt. I agree that prayer time and yoga will help with grounding your spirit, giving you strength, peace and perspective :)

    Hope you feel better soon, and that you know that you are worth so much more than how you feel right now. We are more than our bodies, thank goodness! xxx

  3. I am the same way- unhealthy eating begets unhealthy eating. Healthy eating makes me feel better and exercise and not be lazy.

    It’s ok to be down in the dumps for a few days. It happens. You have the presence of mind and self-awareness to notice when what you are doing is sliding down the slope.

    Also- remember that those things you were eating were not helping your body fight off the cold. That will make you feel worse. So- make a green smoothie and a big salad. Steam some greens and eat it with rice. Go outside for a short walk and breathe even if you are still sick. Some simple gifts to your self will lift your spirits right away!

    Most importantly- remember that YOU are not what you did last week. That doesn’t define you. So- move on and smile.

  4. I think it’s important that you recognize what’s going on with you and your body. You are aware of what’s going on! That’s a huge step.

    Can’t wait to see what changes are in store for you!

  5. This post was exactly what I needed right now. Thank you so much for posting this. I could have written this post! For the past few weeks (probably the past month), my eating has been completely out of whack. I attribute this to moving my family to a new house…I felt that my whole life was (temporarily) a state of chaos, so my healthy eating habits became that as well. We are mostly settled in to our new home, but I am still eating like crap! I feel as though I have fallen into my bad habits again. For example, in the past few days I have eaten a whole box of malted milk balls, a few organic poptarts, a peanut butter egg, Papa John’s pizza…you get the point. This is a complete 180 from my usual diet habits. I am beating myself up for it, and giving myself a hard time, which makes me eat more! I am desperately trying to change my mindset…I do not want to gain my weight back. I am trying to remind myself of how good I feel when I eat well…it’s just not working so far. I am going to make a conscious effort tomorrow to get back to my healthy way of life…I owe it to myself and my family. Thanks, Sarah for reminding me that I am not alone. We’ll get back on track! :)

  6. Thank you for such an unbelievably honest post. You’re in a place that’s very familiar to all of us. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You were sick and know that you’re better and past that lull of laziness, you have so much positivity to devote back into healthy living! If you were perfect all the time you wouldn’t be human. Knowing your triggers and practice will keep you on track. You are such an inspiration! Thanks again for your comforting blog.

  7. I hear you and I thin it sounds like many of us feel the same way. Having any sort of eating history can creep up on us sometimes, and I’ve struggled (and do) with the same issue. I can be spot on with food and fitness then all of a sudden hit a turn around and go crazy. Good luck and you’ll find yoru way!

  8. thanks for posting this! i’m rright there with you! i KNOW there are things I shouldnt buy, because I tear through those items in days – this week I took out half a bag of chex mix yesterday (it has um probably 8 servings?) I also took out a bag of indiana popcorn in TWO days – it has 15 servings per bag.

    not good. i’m the one who grocery shops, I should know better than to bring those items into my house – I do NOT do moderation either – but i’m working on that, and eating intuitively, its a lifelong process apparently – ugh!!!!!

    goodluck!! it will all workout in t he end, I promise

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